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02/03/2007: "How to Get Your Girlfriend to Play Video Games"

Song of the Day: The Attic - In Your Eyes

Apparently this is Reviewing Ridiculous Articles Week, because they just keep popping out at me. I found this article, through a blog on Vox and nearly choked on my popcorn while reading it. Its title is How to Get Your Girlfriend to Play Video Games, and if you know anything about yours truly, you'll realize that this article was destined to be ripped to shreds by me.

Some gems from this:

Pick out a game she might like. If you're not 100% sure she'll enjoy it, you can rent it. Many girls will actually like games with cute characters or a lot of humor immediately. Make sure the game isn't too hard. If you can, get a game that is multiplayer or, optimally, co-op.

Cute characters? Seriously? How about a hawt man with a British accent like Balthier from Final Fantasy XII?

Be understanding and supportive. When she first starts out, tell her that it easy, that she will catch on. Make her feel like this is something that she can do.

If you want her to think you're a condescending bastard, that is.

Next time you and your girlfriend are in a game shop, casually walk by the video game section and ask her if there is anything that catches her eye. She will probably say no at first without looking at any game, but coax her into it.

This sounds like it was modified from a How to Get Your Girlfriend to Watch Porn guide.

Do not go for gory, bloody, or high difficultly games at first. This will most likely turn her off. Even if she ends up playing shooters, she probably won't like a lot of blood and gore.

Because girls have delicate dispositions, ya know. What year is this, 1807?

Don't get games that involve things like strippers, prostitutes, and sex. Unless she has a really good sense of humor about such things, she probably won't like it.

Did the author of last entry's article write this?

If you're the kind of person who shouts phrases with extremely violent cursing after losing a video game, try not to do so. It may show her that you're not a very civil person.

...I'm the most un-civil person ever, apparently. Like it's my fault fucking Mario fell off the fucking platform.

In the article's defense, it does point out that every woman is different, and it's up to the guy to figure out what his girlfriend likes, but the rest of the article makes the most insane generalizations and hokey suggestions. I have no idea what sort of site Wikihow.com is, and what quality requirements they have in place, but geeeeeeeez. It sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old who thinks that all females carry around pink Hello Kitty gear and giggle and think boys have cooties.

Replies: 2 Comments

Bloody hell! But I will say there seems to be a lot of Japanese influence in SF, where I'm having a mini-break now, or perhaps I'm going to the "wrong" places. Hello, Kitty...

Pootie, Sunday, February 4th

Dude, F-THAT! article! Seriously!

Cute characters? No.

I like gory, bloody, violent games! I'm awful, but like I said, there's nothing like a well-placed sniper shot to the head to make me feel like I accomplished something.

And the strippers/sex thing - HELLO? That's what Grand Theft Auto was about and that game ruled.

Don't swear? Are they serious? WOW! I guess throwing the controller is out of the question too.

But ok, we're all different. Even us girl gamers have different tastes. However, you're right - this sounds like an underhanded way to introduce her to sex toys.

The girls who this would cater to are NEVER going to like playing games with you. And those of us who WILL play games with you - well, just speak to us like we're equal human beings who like to play video games.

Thanks for the entertaining material! Love it!

Kristy, Sunday, February 4th